I want to learn how to do this. It looks super cute!
Pic of the day
.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/248679_10150187908448311_6545
T Checking himself out in the side mirror of Lar's Jetta.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Day Two
I want to learn how to do this. It looks super cute!
Pic of the day
.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/248679_10150187908448311_6545
T Checking himself out in the side mirror of Lar's Jetta.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Day One
I chose this song today because when I hear this song, it takes me back to the beginning of things with Rob. When things started, what started things. It makes me think of when I admitted to him that I was jealous of his girlfriend. Even farther, to the late, late night conversations he and I would have back when I was pregnant. And the time he took me to chang's mongolian grill, just because. And how he pretty much rescued me from the abusive relationship I was in with Paul. A lot of memories flood my mind, even some from before I ever looked at Rob in that way... I just feel so terrible for the pain I caused him. =(
Picture of the Day
Just LOL.
♥ Ash
New Project
I usually post at least one song or video on Facebook every day, something that explains how I feel or to offer others a good laugh. So my new project is to post a video and/or song of the day, plus a photo of the day and under I will explain WHY I am posting those things and how they relate to my day.
Life's about changin, nothin ever stays the same...
So I was sitting here thinking about what to write, SO SO SO much has changed in the last few weeks. It feels as if my life is a whirlwind. But by the grace of "God", all the changes has been changes for the better.
So my mom bought me a car. She already regrets it, but my brother took charge before she could change her mind. My mother, actually, at this moment in time, isn't even speaking to me. But I've already told her that I plan on paying her and my other family members back for what they contributed to paying for the car. It was only $500 so I should have everyone paid back within 2-3 months. If that.
My dad helped me out and was able to get me a job at his work. Which is funny cuz I've been bitching for YEARS that I wanted to work there cuz I have so much call center/phone experience but I wasn't able to since it would have been a "conflict of interest" to work under him or my step-mom. But they brought in a new division, and therefore I was able to get hired since I'm not technically under Deb or my dad. In reality, yeah, I still answer to Deb or my dad, but my actual boss is someone else. Also, since hearing that I've been spending 5+ hours a day on the bus getting Tallan to daycare and to work and from work to pick Tallan up from day care then home, on the bus, my dad gave my brother the money to get my insurance started and get my car fixed faster so I can get some more sleep and my whole day isn't spend revolving around work.
After Josh ended things, I joined that stupid site, Plenty of Fish. I met this really cool guy named Scott. And we really hit it off and went out on a date and I had a really good time. Things seemed to be going well, he said he had fun and wanted to go out again and even kissed me good night. But then he never called. I was pretty pissed off at this. But its life and its whatev. In the midst of all this, I had been trying to re-kindle things with Rob. Who is still being stubborn, but I know that waiting this one out is worth it.
I never should have left Rob. But at the same time, I'm glad I did. I never would have realized how much he really meant to me. I'm glad things didn't work out with Josh or Scott. I feel like something out there wanted me to see the potential in my relationship with Rob. Because I appreciate him more than ever now. I just wish I hadn't hurt him. =( It just sucks cuz leaving him and going thru what I went thru made me realize that I fell in love with him, but me leaving him made him lose his trust in me. It's going to be a long process to fix things and I don't know if things will ever be "normal" or any where close to what they were, all I know is that I want to be with him and I'll ride it out to find out.
I'm glad things are changing in my life. It feels like my life was stuck on pause, and someone finally just pushed play. Change is hard, but sometimes, change is good. At least in this case it is. I'm terrified and excited for what the future has to bring.
-Ashley
So my mom bought me a car. She already regrets it, but my brother took charge before she could change her mind. My mother, actually, at this moment in time, isn't even speaking to me. But I've already told her that I plan on paying her and my other family members back for what they contributed to paying for the car. It was only $500 so I should have everyone paid back within 2-3 months. If that.
My dad helped me out and was able to get me a job at his work. Which is funny cuz I've been bitching for YEARS that I wanted to work there cuz I have so much call center/phone experience but I wasn't able to since it would have been a "conflict of interest" to work under him or my step-mom. But they brought in a new division, and therefore I was able to get hired since I'm not technically under Deb or my dad. In reality, yeah, I still answer to Deb or my dad, but my actual boss is someone else. Also, since hearing that I've been spending 5+ hours a day on the bus getting Tallan to daycare and to work and from work to pick Tallan up from day care then home, on the bus, my dad gave my brother the money to get my insurance started and get my car fixed faster so I can get some more sleep and my whole day isn't spend revolving around work.
After Josh ended things, I joined that stupid site, Plenty of Fish. I met this really cool guy named Scott. And we really hit it off and went out on a date and I had a really good time. Things seemed to be going well, he said he had fun and wanted to go out again and even kissed me good night. But then he never called. I was pretty pissed off at this. But its life and its whatev. In the midst of all this, I had been trying to re-kindle things with Rob. Who is still being stubborn, but I know that waiting this one out is worth it.
I never should have left Rob. But at the same time, I'm glad I did. I never would have realized how much he really meant to me. I'm glad things didn't work out with Josh or Scott. I feel like something out there wanted me to see the potential in my relationship with Rob. Because I appreciate him more than ever now. I just wish I hadn't hurt him. =( It just sucks cuz leaving him and going thru what I went thru made me realize that I fell in love with him, but me leaving him made him lose his trust in me. It's going to be a long process to fix things and I don't know if things will ever be "normal" or any where close to what they were, all I know is that I want to be with him and I'll ride it out to find out.
I'm glad things are changing in my life. It feels like my life was stuck on pause, and someone finally just pushed play. Change is hard, but sometimes, change is good. At least in this case it is. I'm terrified and excited for what the future has to bring.
-Ashley
Monday, May 9, 2011
Way to be a failure...
So I decided to drop out of school and start looking for a full time job. School wasn't "hard" it was just that I was having a hard time keeping up and I knew that I was setting myself up for failure. I'm thinking though, if I don't get a job soon, then I'm going to go through one of those vocational programs that DHS offers because I don't want to be on state assistance forever. Its embarrassing and they don't give me nearly enough to cover my rent, and bills, and to be able to buy stuff for Tallan.
It sucks and I'm disappointed in myself, but it was a choice that I had to make in order to be able to get by financially. I will continue my degree one day, just not right now.
Today is going to be a busy day!! I have to walk up to Fred Meyer and get formula, and a few other groceries. Then do laundry when I get home and in the midst of that I am cleaning my house (Especially my kitchen, its a disaster) and shampooing the carpets. Oy Vey, my back is going to HURTTTTT!
It sucks and I'm disappointed in myself, but it was a choice that I had to make in order to be able to get by financially. I will continue my degree one day, just not right now.
Today is going to be a busy day!! I have to walk up to Fred Meyer and get formula, and a few other groceries. Then do laundry when I get home and in the midst of that I am cleaning my house (Especially my kitchen, its a disaster) and shampooing the carpets. Oy Vey, my back is going to HURTTTTT!
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Ranting about my sons "father"
So were 5ish months into 2011 and I don't think I've ever learned so much in such little time. You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only option.
This year has been a blessing. I have the most amazing child that anyone could ask for. He is my reason for breathing.
A year ago I still had this fantasy that Paul was going to magically morph into Super Dad when Tallan was born. And I held on to that fantasy for a long time. So much so that I continued to come back to Paul despite him being physically, mentally and verbally abusive towards me. I kept thinking, "He'll change" but the more it happened, the more I started to lose faith in that fantasy. It wasn't until Paul came home one night really drunk, and I got mad at him and didn't want him anywhere near Tallan or myself. Paul got so mad, I locked him out of my room where I had Tallan lying on the bed. When I finally let him in he started screaming at me some more and kicked this plastic dresser thing I had next to the door. There was a bunch of stuff on the top of it and when he kicked it, he broke it in half and everything in and on top of it went flying. A USB flash drive and a D Cell Battery came within a few INCHES of hitting Tallan in the face. I told Paul to get the fuck out of my house and that night I decided that I was done. He was never going to be a father figure to my child. Despite what DNA says, to me he is not Tallan's father. A father takes responsibility for their child, a father is there every step of the way for their child.
Paul moved out in January of this year, and it has been a huge struggle trying to get by financially but its all been worth it knowing that I no longer have to go through the abuse from Paul and knowing that my son no longer has to listen to Paul and I screaming at each other, and no longer has to see the way that Paul treated me. That is the one thing I said before Paul left was that I don't want my son to see daddy treating mommy this way and think that that's how you're suppose to treat women.
Paul still continues to try and make my life hell. Whether it be threatening to take me to court for custody rights (Which he will *never* get) or trying to contest his child support order. A few weeks ago, I received pictures of Paul under the influence of Drugs and another picture of him holding a piece of glass with three white lines of a drug called "Molly". Paul has known drinking problems, and clearly has a growing addiction to Narcotics and other, harder drugs. It just pisses me off that he can go blow all of his money on drugs, but not give anything to me for child support. What makes him even more of a pain in the ass is that he's been borrowing money from people, saying that he's giving it to me for child support. When in reality, Paul hasn't given me A DIME since February.
I received paperwork in the mail today that finalizes the child Support Order for Paul to get garnished. The paperwork also told me that according to the information they have, Paul is 4 months behind in child support. So, when you multiply $275 x 4, you get $1100 and it just keeps accruing. =)
He was calling and texting me today saying that I need to grow up and learn how to parent. I honestly laughed at this. He said my way of parenting was "comical". I really think he was looking in the mirror when saying that because I haven't seen him sacrifice HALF the shit I have for our son. If he had to take custody of Tallan today, he would not have any idea what to do because he hasn't been around to see HOW I take care of him, when and what I feed him, when he goes down for his naps, How to use his toys. Et Cetera;
I have learned so much about being a parent and how to survive as a single parent. I don't get breaks and I don't get a ton of help from my friends and family. I have to do this mostly on my own. Maybe once a month I get to go out and actually have a few hours by myself to have a drink or even just go do something by myself. I've had to turn down TWO job offers because they didn't work with my daycare. So working full time right now, clearly isn't an option.
Anyway, I'm done ranting for now. There will be more at a later time.
-Ash
This year has been a blessing. I have the most amazing child that anyone could ask for. He is my reason for breathing.
A year ago I still had this fantasy that Paul was going to magically morph into Super Dad when Tallan was born. And I held on to that fantasy for a long time. So much so that I continued to come back to Paul despite him being physically, mentally and verbally abusive towards me. I kept thinking, "He'll change" but the more it happened, the more I started to lose faith in that fantasy. It wasn't until Paul came home one night really drunk, and I got mad at him and didn't want him anywhere near Tallan or myself. Paul got so mad, I locked him out of my room where I had Tallan lying on the bed. When I finally let him in he started screaming at me some more and kicked this plastic dresser thing I had next to the door. There was a bunch of stuff on the top of it and when he kicked it, he broke it in half and everything in and on top of it went flying. A USB flash drive and a D Cell Battery came within a few INCHES of hitting Tallan in the face. I told Paul to get the fuck out of my house and that night I decided that I was done. He was never going to be a father figure to my child. Despite what DNA says, to me he is not Tallan's father. A father takes responsibility for their child, a father is there every step of the way for their child.
Paul moved out in January of this year, and it has been a huge struggle trying to get by financially but its all been worth it knowing that I no longer have to go through the abuse from Paul and knowing that my son no longer has to listen to Paul and I screaming at each other, and no longer has to see the way that Paul treated me. That is the one thing I said before Paul left was that I don't want my son to see daddy treating mommy this way and think that that's how you're suppose to treat women.
Paul still continues to try and make my life hell. Whether it be threatening to take me to court for custody rights (Which he will *never* get) or trying to contest his child support order. A few weeks ago, I received pictures of Paul under the influence of Drugs and another picture of him holding a piece of glass with three white lines of a drug called "Molly". Paul has known drinking problems, and clearly has a growing addiction to Narcotics and other, harder drugs. It just pisses me off that he can go blow all of his money on drugs, but not give anything to me for child support. What makes him even more of a pain in the ass is that he's been borrowing money from people, saying that he's giving it to me for child support. When in reality, Paul hasn't given me A DIME since February.
I received paperwork in the mail today that finalizes the child Support Order for Paul to get garnished. The paperwork also told me that according to the information they have, Paul is 4 months behind in child support. So, when you multiply $275 x 4, you get $1100 and it just keeps accruing. =)
He was calling and texting me today saying that I need to grow up and learn how to parent. I honestly laughed at this. He said my way of parenting was "comical". I really think he was looking in the mirror when saying that because I haven't seen him sacrifice HALF the shit I have for our son. If he had to take custody of Tallan today, he would not have any idea what to do because he hasn't been around to see HOW I take care of him, when and what I feed him, when he goes down for his naps, How to use his toys. Et Cetera;
I have learned so much about being a parent and how to survive as a single parent. I don't get breaks and I don't get a ton of help from my friends and family. I have to do this mostly on my own. Maybe once a month I get to go out and actually have a few hours by myself to have a drink or even just go do something by myself. I've had to turn down TWO job offers because they didn't work with my daycare. So working full time right now, clearly isn't an option.
Anyway, I'm done ranting for now. There will be more at a later time.
-Ash
Friday, May 6, 2011
Stressing about School and Finances...
So this week has been full of ups and downs so far.
It started off with Josh deciding that he wasn't ready for this. I gave myself 5 minutes to cry about it and got back to taking care of my son and what not. I'm still sad about it.
Then I received a bill from PGE for $455 and I thought my eyes were going to bug outta my head. I still owe a balance from when Paul lived here. He has given me a whopping $50 to go towards PGE and thats only because they threatened to shut off my electricity back in February. When Paul lived here, he was in charge of paying rent and PGE, while I was taking care of Tallan, keeping up on the apartment and paying for groceries. I wasn't aware until January that Paul had stopped paying PGE back in April of 2010. When Paul moved out in January, he left me with a $380 PGE bill, and since then, with what little extra money I get I've been trying to pay it down on top of paying the monthly electricity costs. Thankfully, last month Cynthia paid $50 toward PGE which saved us, yet again, from being shut off. I've been trying to get a hold of the Energy assistance people but my Sprint phone got shut off so I have no idea if they've been trying to contact me to help me pay it down some. I literally have $90-something dollars to my name and I'm going to be giving PGE about $75 and Cynthia is going to pay another $40 when she gets paid.
Next, I received a letter from my landlord stating that starting June 1st, 2011 my rent is being raised from $650 to $675. To most people this doesn't seem like a huge jump, but when I'm already struggling to make ends meet, $25 is a lot. Granted Cynthia pays me $225 a month for rent, but that still leaves me with $425 for rent to come up with by myself. So I told Cynthia that I was going to split the raise in rent so its fair on both of us. So now she's going to be paying $237.50 and I will be paying $437.50.
With those two things weighing me down, I'm feeling the pressure more than ever to find a job. I have been looking and applying too. My biggest struggle so far has been finding a job that coincides with the hours of my day care. I've had to let go of two job offers so far because they want me to start a shift at 7am or earlier and I can't even drop Tallan off at daycare until 730am at the earliest.
I am so thankful that my dad and step mom help me out with anything Tallan needs. Such as Diapers, wipes, bottles, sippy cups, anything I need or want for Tallan they buy. At the same time I feel bad, it makes me feel like I'm not able to provide for him on my own. I know that one day I will though. I just gotta make it through this rough patch and eventually things will get easier.
Also, I just got an email from one of my instructors from school saying that I received only 35 out of 60 points on this entire chapter of homework. I remember following ALL of the instructions and making sure I had all 5 assignments completed. But she said I didn't and that I had done all these things wrong. It was so frustrating. It just feels like every week when I turn in an assignment/chapter of work, she nit picks every single little error and docks a ton of points for it. I just feel like why should I continue to try? She knows my situation, that I'm a single mother and I don't have a whole lot of time to spend on homework and stuff for school, yet she still docks points and wont accept any late work. And I know as much as I'm trying to stay afloat in my other classes I'm falling way behind. I know that I'm going to fail at least one class this term which means I'm going to lose my financial aid for Fall Term. It's all very DE-motivating.
I need to make a plan. My dad has taught me that you always need to have a plan. And a back up plan. When I was pregnant with Tallan, my dad sat me down and asked me to come up with a plan. He said I needed to figure out how I was going to support myself and Tallan after he was born. He also told me that I needed to come up with a back up plan if Paul decided to ditch out. And so I did and a month later Paul and I had our own apartment. Although, I was putting all my eggs in one basket, assuming that Paul and I were going to work out and everything was going to be hunky-dory. I knew that I still needed to come up with a back up plan. So when I kicked Paul out in January, I had to come up with a plan and fast. I still wasn't working and with rent and bills due, I had to act fast. This is when Cynthia moved in, and so far things have been working out well. But with Cynthia expecting baby Elijah in September, Money is going to get really tight for both of us. So I am going to spend the rest of my evening brainstorming ways to get through this and out of this financial nightmare.
In other news, Cynthia's baby shower is less than a month away, so I'm also going to be busy with Organizing and planning that. I ordered her some cute stuff for the shower on amazon. I love amazon, everything is so cheap. I'm planning out the games and the timeline. I think her mom is going to help me with some of the costs, like the cake and some of the food. I also need to pick up the prizes. But I'm super excited, and when thats all done, I get to finish planning Tallan's FIRST birthday party. I'm having it at the Oregon Zoo, so all my friends and family that have kids, actually get to go out and have fun too. The only downfall is it might wind up being very spendy, cuz I know that I will have to pay for some people.
Anyway, I've rambled on enough tonight. I just wanted to write about all the crap going on in my life this week. =)
-Ashley
It started off with Josh deciding that he wasn't ready for this. I gave myself 5 minutes to cry about it and got back to taking care of my son and what not. I'm still sad about it.
Then I received a bill from PGE for $455 and I thought my eyes were going to bug outta my head. I still owe a balance from when Paul lived here. He has given me a whopping $50 to go towards PGE and thats only because they threatened to shut off my electricity back in February. When Paul lived here, he was in charge of paying rent and PGE, while I was taking care of Tallan, keeping up on the apartment and paying for groceries. I wasn't aware until January that Paul had stopped paying PGE back in April of 2010. When Paul moved out in January, he left me with a $380 PGE bill, and since then, with what little extra money I get I've been trying to pay it down on top of paying the monthly electricity costs. Thankfully, last month Cynthia paid $50 toward PGE which saved us, yet again, from being shut off. I've been trying to get a hold of the Energy assistance people but my Sprint phone got shut off so I have no idea if they've been trying to contact me to help me pay it down some. I literally have $90-something dollars to my name and I'm going to be giving PGE about $75 and Cynthia is going to pay another $40 when she gets paid.
Next, I received a letter from my landlord stating that starting June 1st, 2011 my rent is being raised from $650 to $675. To most people this doesn't seem like a huge jump, but when I'm already struggling to make ends meet, $25 is a lot. Granted Cynthia pays me $225 a month for rent, but that still leaves me with $425 for rent to come up with by myself. So I told Cynthia that I was going to split the raise in rent so its fair on both of us. So now she's going to be paying $237.50 and I will be paying $437.50.
With those two things weighing me down, I'm feeling the pressure more than ever to find a job. I have been looking and applying too. My biggest struggle so far has been finding a job that coincides with the hours of my day care. I've had to let go of two job offers so far because they want me to start a shift at 7am or earlier and I can't even drop Tallan off at daycare until 730am at the earliest.
I am so thankful that my dad and step mom help me out with anything Tallan needs. Such as Diapers, wipes, bottles, sippy cups, anything I need or want for Tallan they buy. At the same time I feel bad, it makes me feel like I'm not able to provide for him on my own. I know that one day I will though. I just gotta make it through this rough patch and eventually things will get easier.
Also, I just got an email from one of my instructors from school saying that I received only 35 out of 60 points on this entire chapter of homework. I remember following ALL of the instructions and making sure I had all 5 assignments completed. But she said I didn't and that I had done all these things wrong. It was so frustrating. It just feels like every week when I turn in an assignment/chapter of work, she nit picks every single little error and docks a ton of points for it. I just feel like why should I continue to try? She knows my situation, that I'm a single mother and I don't have a whole lot of time to spend on homework and stuff for school, yet she still docks points and wont accept any late work. And I know as much as I'm trying to stay afloat in my other classes I'm falling way behind. I know that I'm going to fail at least one class this term which means I'm going to lose my financial aid for Fall Term. It's all very DE-motivating.
I need to make a plan. My dad has taught me that you always need to have a plan. And a back up plan. When I was pregnant with Tallan, my dad sat me down and asked me to come up with a plan. He said I needed to figure out how I was going to support myself and Tallan after he was born. He also told me that I needed to come up with a back up plan if Paul decided to ditch out. And so I did and a month later Paul and I had our own apartment. Although, I was putting all my eggs in one basket, assuming that Paul and I were going to work out and everything was going to be hunky-dory. I knew that I still needed to come up with a back up plan. So when I kicked Paul out in January, I had to come up with a plan and fast. I still wasn't working and with rent and bills due, I had to act fast. This is when Cynthia moved in, and so far things have been working out well. But with Cynthia expecting baby Elijah in September, Money is going to get really tight for both of us. So I am going to spend the rest of my evening brainstorming ways to get through this and out of this financial nightmare.
In other news, Cynthia's baby shower is less than a month away, so I'm also going to be busy with Organizing and planning that. I ordered her some cute stuff for the shower on amazon. I love amazon, everything is so cheap. I'm planning out the games and the timeline. I think her mom is going to help me with some of the costs, like the cake and some of the food. I also need to pick up the prizes. But I'm super excited, and when thats all done, I get to finish planning Tallan's FIRST birthday party. I'm having it at the Oregon Zoo, so all my friends and family that have kids, actually get to go out and have fun too. The only downfall is it might wind up being very spendy, cuz I know that I will have to pay for some people.
Anyway, I've rambled on enough tonight. I just wanted to write about all the crap going on in my life this week. =)
-Ashley
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
I MADE THIS!!
I made this. I want to display it at the top of my blog, but I don't know how. My HTML skills are dying. lol.
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