So blogging is something I did in high school, and for a few months after. But I quickly realized that putting your life out there for everyone to read can come back to bite you in the ass. But as time has came and went I have learned a lot of valuable lessons, how to use my internal filter, and not act or speak without weighing the consequences first.
A friend of mine and I were talking last night, and he mentioned that 8 years ago we started high school. Eight. Years. Ago. My first thought was, "Dear Lord, I'm getting old". My second thought was a picture, that I saw a few days ago, of myself at about 18. Boy did I think I knew it all.
I had no idea what was ahead of me in the years to come.
Nearly five years later, my life has changed so dramatically, that I don't even know that girl I used to be. I feel like who I used to be is a friend of mine, not me, if that makes sense. I lived through a lot of life-altering situations. Including pregnancy and the birth of my son, Tallan, which I thought was impossible. I started college (again), got cheated on by the love of my life and father of my son, was in a verbally, emotionally and physically abusive relationship with my sons father, and was finally strong enough to put my foot down, break it off and kick him out of our apartment. I still face struggles to this day, like trying to take care of my son physically and financially and trying to figure out how I am going to continue paying rent with little to no income at all.
Not many people see that I have grown up. People have this image of who I used to be still burned in their brains. What they don't realize is how much I really have changed. I tried for so long to hold on to every strand of what was left between Paul and I, but what I didn't see is how much easier it was to hold down the house when he was gone. I also didn't realize how unhappy I was when he was here. Always accusing me of sleeping around, lying to him, he never cleaned a damn thing and was always making messes for me to clean up, he rarely helped with Tallan and was more concerned with hanging out with his friends, doing drugs and drinking. Since he's been gone, I've began dating, my apartment stays cleaner longer, I have a new room mate who actually helps around the house and helps me with Tallan and I am just happier in general because I don't avoid going home, my anxiety attacks are less frequent and I'm not constantly fighting with Paul. I look back now and I say to myself that I should have listened when people told me to get away from him, but I think that I needed to go thru some of that to be where I am today, mentally.
Even you were telling me last night how much having a child matures you. And even though many of us were saying to get away from Paul, I think you're right. You had to learn it for a reason. Im so glad to be here now and for both of us to start a new. =)
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