Ranting about my sons "father"

So were 5ish months into 2011 and I don't think I've ever learned so much in such little time. You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only option.

This year has been a blessing. I have the most amazing child that anyone could ask for. He is my reason for breathing.

A year ago I still had this fantasy that Paul was going to magically morph into Super Dad when Tallan was born. And I held on to that fantasy for a long time. So much so that I continued to come back to Paul despite him being physically, mentally and verbally abusive towards me. I kept thinking, "He'll change" but the more it happened, the more I started to lose faith in that fantasy. It wasn't until Paul came home one night really drunk, and I got mad at him and didn't want him anywhere near Tallan or myself. Paul got so mad, I locked him out of my room where I had Tallan lying on the bed. When I finally let him in he started screaming at me some more and kicked this plastic dresser thing I had next to the door. There was a bunch of stuff on the top of it and when he kicked it, he broke it in half and everything in and on top of it went flying. A USB flash drive and a D Cell Battery came within a few INCHES of hitting Tallan in the face. I told Paul to get the fuck out of my house and that night I decided that I was done. He was never going to be a father figure to my child. Despite what DNA says, to me he is not Tallan's father. A father takes responsibility for their child, a father is there every step of the way for their child.

Paul moved out in January of this year, and it has been a huge struggle trying to get by financially but its all been worth it knowing that I no longer have to go through the abuse from Paul and knowing that my son no longer has to listen to Paul and I screaming at each other, and no longer has to see the way that Paul treated me. That is the one thing I said before Paul left was that I don't want my son to see daddy treating mommy this way and think that that's how you're suppose to treat women.

Paul still continues to try and make my life hell. Whether it be threatening to take me to court for custody rights (Which he will *never* get) or trying to contest his child support order. A few weeks ago, I received pictures of Paul under the influence of Drugs and another picture of him holding a piece of glass with three white lines of a drug called "Molly". Paul has known drinking problems, and clearly has a growing addiction to Narcotics and other, harder drugs. It just pisses me off that he can go blow all of his money on drugs, but not give anything to me for child support. What makes him even more of a pain in the ass is that he's been borrowing money from people, saying that he's giving it to me for child support. When in reality, Paul hasn't given me A DIME since February.

I received paperwork in the mail today that finalizes the child Support Order for Paul to get garnished. The paperwork also told me that according to the information they have, Paul is 4 months behind in child support. So, when you multiply $275 x 4, you get $1100 and it just keeps accruing. =)

He was calling and texting me today saying that I need to grow up and learn how to parent. I honestly laughed at this. He said my way of parenting was "comical". I really think he was looking in the mirror when saying that because I haven't seen him sacrifice HALF the shit I have for our son. If he had to take custody of Tallan today, he would not have any idea what to do because he hasn't been around to see HOW I take care of him, when and what I feed him, when he goes down for his naps, How to use his toys. Et Cetera;

I have learned so much about being a parent and how to survive as a single parent. I don't get breaks and I don't get a ton of help from my friends and family. I have to do this mostly on my own. Maybe once a month I get to go out and actually have a few hours by myself to have a drink or even just go do something by myself. I've had to turn down TWO job offers because they didn't work with my daycare. So working full time right now, clearly isn't an option.

Anyway, I'm done ranting for now. There will be more at a later time.

-Ash