Why is it when I try my hardest to get by, and provide for my son that my family decides to kick me when I'm down?
I just don't get it. I know that I haven't made the smartest decisions but it really pisses me off when I'm doing good and my family just rags on me for all the negative. Also, it pisses me off to watch my mom buy things for Taylor and McKena and not ask my sister to reimburse her for it, yet when I ask her to pay for something for Tallan she tells me that I need to make sure I pay her back for it. My sister and her husband are not by any means hurting financially. Yet, its pretty clear that I am and yet I have to pay her back every dime that she spends on me. Just like she does full blown day care for my neices but its a fight everytime I ask her to watch Tallan for me.
Another thing she did today that really bothered me was when we were at my brothers house she brought up that she and Dan are moving to Georgia. My brother said that he and Becky wanted the house, and she said that Jenn and Dennis already jumped on that deal. I chimed in and said well, what about me? I could really use being able to live in the house while they're gone since I'm struggling to get by right now, it'd be a great way for me to be able to get back up on my feet. My mom and brother both pretty much laughed in my face.
Then pretty much all day my mom was trying to tell me that I needed to feed Tallan, every time he got the slightest bit fussy she was telling me to feed him. The first time I proved her wrong by showing her that all he wanted was a nap. I know my child better than anyone. I know what his cries mean. So the second time he started crying she was harping on me to feed him again. I was like "mom, we're five minutes from my house, I'll feed him when I get home" then we stopped by the store and when I came out of the store she was in the back seat feeding him his cereal pieces. Which was fine, not a big deal, until I got up to her car and she was like "See, I told you he was hungry" and I was like "Mom, I never said he wasn't hungry, I said we're right by my house, I'll feed him when I get home". So she got in the car and was going off about how I need to feed him more and how she would have pulled over if I told her that I needed to feed him. It was really starting to get on my nerves so I told her to just fucking drop it.
So just to prove her wrong, when I got home, I changed Tallan and put him in the high chair. I opened a container of peach cobbler baby food. Tallan took FOUR BITES before pushing it away and refusing to eat anything else. I recorded the whole thing to show my mom if she didn't believe me. So then I called her and told her that he only took four bites. She said that was because she was feeding him the cereal pieces while I was in the store and probably wasn't hungry at that point. I seriously wanted to scream.
Its like she completely disregards that he is Lactose-Intolerant and expects me to feed him food that is going to upset his stomach and have him up all night crying and screaming in pain. She treats me like I starve my child. Yes, my son is underweight, but that is because he doesn't get a lot of fats from regular milk and cheese, like normal babies do. It's like I do the best that I can and still it will never be good enough in anyone's eyes.
Urgh, I just needed to rant. Nothing else really happened today.
-Ash
Friday, April 29, 2011
Crappy time for an anxiety attack...
So here I was busting my ass trying to get the chapter for my business class done and I tried to submit it, and because I was a whopping seven minutes late, I got locked out and now can't get credit for it at all.
This puts me three chapters down for this class. I just feel like why should I even keep trying in school. its like trying to find a job, I can't find day care that opens early enough for me to work an 8 - 5 job. DHS is about to cut my TANF if they haven't already and Paul told me that he's going to file an appeal on the child support so its going to take even longer for me to start getting it.
I just feel like my four walls are starting to close in on me and I don't know what the hell to do. My biggest concern is Tallan, I have to be able to support him, I have to make sure he has food, heat and shelter. It makes me feel really shitty that I don't know if I'm going to be able to do that.
I love Tallan more than anything in this world and I want to be able to take care of him. I just feel like If I flunk this term that I'm pretty much just a failure in general. I feel like my life is an Ocean, and I'm drowning. I need a life raft. Or maybe I just need someone to tell me that its going to be okay. I know that I have people who would be there and help me out financially, but my pride tends to stop me from asking for help.
I wish people understood my situation. I see a lot of single moms out there, but 90% of them get SO MUCH help from people. Take that stupid ass show on MTV Teen Mom, they all get so much help from their parents and family. Their parents babysit their kids while they go out and do whatever. I don't have that. My mom has babysat Tallan ONCE since he was born. Yet she watches my nieces for my sister everyday. I don't get it. My dad helps me out with Tallans diapers and pretty much anything else he needs, and for that I am forever thankful. But I rarely get to go out, without Tallan. I'm a 40 year old mom 24 hours a day 7 days a week. It's like I went from being 21 to 40. My life consists of trying to scrape by financially, and spending my nights with Tallan.
I'm lucky that I have Cynthia and ♥Josh♥ in my life. It's nice being able to teach Cynthia about being a mom and learning to rely on yourself. And if Cynthia didn't live here, I think I would go insane. I have to have some adult interaction to function. And Josh is a God send. I like that he is a GUY who LIKES KIDS! Those are few and far between. Plus, I feel like I can trust Josh. He is so sweet to me. Everyone keeps telling me that they hope I can handle being in a relationship with the Military. Thats one thing that I like about Josh and I starting our relationship with him being overseas. He is already gone, so adapting to that isn't hard. I'm really really excited for him to come home though. I love that I'm getting to know him again. We got off on the wrong foot back in High School, and both of our lives have changed a lot. I'm glad life has brought us back together. I have a feeling that Josh and I are going to be happy together.
At this point I'm just writing to try and get this anxiety attack to pass. And for the most part it has. Thanks to listening to music and my blog. I'm also waiting for Josh to come back online. Thats why I've been up late so much these past few weeks. Since he is 10 hours ahead of us, I'm up when he's up so we can talk. Thankfully he'll be back in the states in June and he'll only be 3 hours ahead. But then again, I'll be in Georgia shortly after he arrives and I wont have to worry about time =)
Anyway, I don't have anything else to write about and as long as I don't think about the things that stress me out, I'll be okay.
Until next time folks...
♥ Ash
This puts me three chapters down for this class. I just feel like why should I even keep trying in school. its like trying to find a job, I can't find day care that opens early enough for me to work an 8 - 5 job. DHS is about to cut my TANF if they haven't already and Paul told me that he's going to file an appeal on the child support so its going to take even longer for me to start getting it.
I just feel like my four walls are starting to close in on me and I don't know what the hell to do. My biggest concern is Tallan, I have to be able to support him, I have to make sure he has food, heat and shelter. It makes me feel really shitty that I don't know if I'm going to be able to do that.
I love Tallan more than anything in this world and I want to be able to take care of him. I just feel like If I flunk this term that I'm pretty much just a failure in general. I feel like my life is an Ocean, and I'm drowning. I need a life raft. Or maybe I just need someone to tell me that its going to be okay. I know that I have people who would be there and help me out financially, but my pride tends to stop me from asking for help.
I wish people understood my situation. I see a lot of single moms out there, but 90% of them get SO MUCH help from people. Take that stupid ass show on MTV Teen Mom, they all get so much help from their parents and family. Their parents babysit their kids while they go out and do whatever. I don't have that. My mom has babysat Tallan ONCE since he was born. Yet she watches my nieces for my sister everyday. I don't get it. My dad helps me out with Tallans diapers and pretty much anything else he needs, and for that I am forever thankful. But I rarely get to go out, without Tallan. I'm a 40 year old mom 24 hours a day 7 days a week. It's like I went from being 21 to 40. My life consists of trying to scrape by financially, and spending my nights with Tallan.
I'm lucky that I have Cynthia and ♥Josh♥ in my life. It's nice being able to teach Cynthia about being a mom and learning to rely on yourself. And if Cynthia didn't live here, I think I would go insane. I have to have some adult interaction to function. And Josh is a God send. I like that he is a GUY who LIKES KIDS! Those are few and far between. Plus, I feel like I can trust Josh. He is so sweet to me. Everyone keeps telling me that they hope I can handle being in a relationship with the Military. Thats one thing that I like about Josh and I starting our relationship with him being overseas. He is already gone, so adapting to that isn't hard. I'm really really excited for him to come home though. I love that I'm getting to know him again. We got off on the wrong foot back in High School, and both of our lives have changed a lot. I'm glad life has brought us back together. I have a feeling that Josh and I are going to be happy together.
At this point I'm just writing to try and get this anxiety attack to pass. And for the most part it has. Thanks to listening to music and my blog. I'm also waiting for Josh to come back online. Thats why I've been up late so much these past few weeks. Since he is 10 hours ahead of us, I'm up when he's up so we can talk. Thankfully he'll be back in the states in June and he'll only be 3 hours ahead. But then again, I'll be in Georgia shortly after he arrives and I wont have to worry about time =)
Anyway, I don't have anything else to write about and as long as I don't think about the things that stress me out, I'll be okay.
Until next time folks...
♥ Ash
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
On the road to happiness =)
So in the midst of all the changes happening in my life, Josh asked me to be his girlfriend today. =) I gladly accepted.
I've never been into the whole long distance relationship thing, but I feel like this is different. I have this feeling that everything is happening just as it should, and for once I'm doing the RIGHT thing.
Like I said in one of my last posts, Josh is flying Tallan and I down to Georgia when he gets back from Iraq. I'm soooooo excited to see him! =)
In Other News....
I went to the ER the other day, because my back and side were in excruciating pain. And of course, as always, they weren't able to tell me what was wrong. No explanation for the Kidney Pain, and they said they were gonna do a CT scan on my back, but instead they shot me up with Morphine, gave me a prescription for some pain killers and sent me on my way. Lame. I would really like to know what is causing my back pain. The kidney pain has died down a bit, but I can't walk or sit for long periods of time without my back just aching to the point that it becomes unbearable. The ER doctor told me to follow up with my PCP... yeah, I don't have one of those. I have insurance, but I'm not going out to multnomah county to see a doctor. I like the doctor that I had before my other insurance lapsed. Stupid DHS bullshit.
I got an email from Kate the other day. For those of you who don't know who "Kate" is... She is pauls ex. The girl he lived with right after I kicked him out. Well, Paul got Kate pregnant and was trying to say it wasn't his kid. This came as no surprise to me, since Paul "doesn't believe in condoms". But Kate miscarried and where was Paul? Already moving on with some other girl, named Stephanie. So Kate emailed me and was asking how I dealt with Paul for so long. I told her to call me and she and I talked for a while. I'm sad that she miscarried, because despite the situation, Tallan would have had a sibling. But in Kate's situation, it was a blessing in disguise. Paul is a douche who can't take care of his first kid and he was trying to deny this one. It would have been nothing but an uphill battle for her, probably harder than what I went through with Paul. But, she gave me some information about Paul, and all the drugs he's been on lately. She even sent me pictures of paul doing Coke. Which I am going to print and attach to the custody paperwork.
I'm thinking about filing for custody before I go to Georgia, just so we don't have any issues when I go. I can fore see it now, Paul trying to say I kidnapped his kid and took him out of the state. LOL. He is such a social fucking reject.
Anyway, back to happier times... ♥ Josh ♥ ...yay! He's such a sweetheart. I can not wait til he's back!!
I've never been into the whole long distance relationship thing, but I feel like this is different. I have this feeling that everything is happening just as it should, and for once I'm doing the RIGHT thing.
Like I said in one of my last posts, Josh is flying Tallan and I down to Georgia when he gets back from Iraq. I'm soooooo excited to see him! =)
In Other News....
I went to the ER the other day, because my back and side were in excruciating pain. And of course, as always, they weren't able to tell me what was wrong. No explanation for the Kidney Pain, and they said they were gonna do a CT scan on my back, but instead they shot me up with Morphine, gave me a prescription for some pain killers and sent me on my way. Lame. I would really like to know what is causing my back pain. The kidney pain has died down a bit, but I can't walk or sit for long periods of time without my back just aching to the point that it becomes unbearable. The ER doctor told me to follow up with my PCP... yeah, I don't have one of those. I have insurance, but I'm not going out to multnomah county to see a doctor. I like the doctor that I had before my other insurance lapsed. Stupid DHS bullshit.
I got an email from Kate the other day. For those of you who don't know who "Kate" is... She is pauls ex. The girl he lived with right after I kicked him out. Well, Paul got Kate pregnant and was trying to say it wasn't his kid. This came as no surprise to me, since Paul "doesn't believe in condoms". But Kate miscarried and where was Paul? Already moving on with some other girl, named Stephanie. So Kate emailed me and was asking how I dealt with Paul for so long. I told her to call me and she and I talked for a while. I'm sad that she miscarried, because despite the situation, Tallan would have had a sibling. But in Kate's situation, it was a blessing in disguise. Paul is a douche who can't take care of his first kid and he was trying to deny this one. It would have been nothing but an uphill battle for her, probably harder than what I went through with Paul. But, she gave me some information about Paul, and all the drugs he's been on lately. She even sent me pictures of paul doing Coke. Which I am going to print and attach to the custody paperwork.
I'm thinking about filing for custody before I go to Georgia, just so we don't have any issues when I go. I can fore see it now, Paul trying to say I kidnapped his kid and took him out of the state. LOL. He is such a social fucking reject.
Anyway, back to happier times... ♥ Josh ♥ ...yay! He's such a sweetheart. I can not wait til he's back!!
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Sometimes I wonder if this is ever going to get easier?
I love being a mother. I love it more than anything I have ever done. If I could choose this as a career and get paid for it, I would be in heaven. But life isn't always that easy. Being a stay at home, single mom, getting paid, means you're on welfare. Not exactly something I'm proud of, but I have to pay the bills somehow since Paul isn't exactly helping with any of that.
I'm not writing this blog to bitch about nor glorify being a single mom. I'm here to complain about the screaming pain in my back. I am almost positive that I have a kidney infection and something seriously wrong with my lower back. So I get to take a trip to the ER today.
Its sunny and 70 degrees outside and I get to spend my day in the ER. Yey, me.
FML.
I'm not writing this blog to bitch about nor glorify being a single mom. I'm here to complain about the screaming pain in my back. I am almost positive that I have a kidney infection and something seriously wrong with my lower back. So I get to take a trip to the ER today.
Its sunny and 70 degrees outside and I get to spend my day in the ER. Yey, me.
FML.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Needing something to pass the time...
So Its been months since I've posted anything on here... I just need something to pass the time til I hear back from Josh so I can know that everything is okay. I know I worry too much, but considering where he is and the job he does, anything could happen.
So I went to Cynthia's Jewelery Party today and there was some really cute stuff and I bought three pieces for $53. Considering they use the Swarovski Crystals on all three of them, thats a pretty good deal. I've been thinking about Talking to Summer and possibly hosting a party, but I don't know when I'm gonna have money to be able to buy stuff again.
So I guess I'll write about the other stuff going on in my life. New happenings and things that are changing...
I broke things off with Rob. Rob wasn't a bad guy, he was great to me and great to Tallan. But he didn't want to put a title on our relationship and after four months I felt that it was time to put a title on things and he didn't feel that same. He said the cause of that was "personal reasons" that had nothing to do with me. We also didn't see eye to eye on quite a few things. He had a tendency to blow up about things that weren't a big deal to me. So I made the final decision to end things with him and move on.
Around the same time I started talking to my friend Josh, a lot. Pretty much all day, everyday when he wasn't working, we would talk on Yahoo Messenger. Josh was going through a rough time and I was able to be there for him. Well the more we talked the more we started to fall for eachother. I didn't leave Rob to be with Josh, but things just kind of ended up that way.
I started my third term of college last month. I'm trying desperately to stay afloat but its hard when the only time I have to focus on homework is when Tallan is sleeping. And even then its hard because I have stuff around the house to do and also try to get a nap in myself. There just aren't enough hours in the day. It seems all I do anymore is go go go. I don't know how DHS expects me to get a Full Time job with all these appointments, school, and life in general swirling around me. But if I don't, I lose my TANF benefits.
I turned in the paperwork for child support, so that Paul will start getting garnished straight out of his paychecks. What he thinks though, is that its going to be LESS than what he is being garnished for his unemployment. He is oh-so-wrong. According to the calculations, I will be getting $385 a month to start off, until he is caught up on his 4 months of back child support. I told him the other day that it was going to be around $300 a month and he got mad and stormed out. It was bullshit. He brags about how much he loves his son and yada yada but yet he doesn't want to help take care of him financially. I don't even have a job and I am able to take care of Tallan. I make sure he has what he needs and has toys and stuff. Paul assumes that myself and everyone else will take care of his son so he doesn't have to worry about it.
On the bright side, I'm planning a trip to Georgia in June to go visit Josh when he comes back from Iraq. I am very excited to go and see Josh and have him meet Tallan and see if he and I are a good fit. So far things are going great, I just hope it stays that way.
-Ash
So I went to Cynthia's Jewelery Party today and there was some really cute stuff and I bought three pieces for $53. Considering they use the Swarovski Crystals on all three of them, thats a pretty good deal. I've been thinking about Talking to Summer and possibly hosting a party, but I don't know when I'm gonna have money to be able to buy stuff again.
So I guess I'll write about the other stuff going on in my life. New happenings and things that are changing...
I broke things off with Rob. Rob wasn't a bad guy, he was great to me and great to Tallan. But he didn't want to put a title on our relationship and after four months I felt that it was time to put a title on things and he didn't feel that same. He said the cause of that was "personal reasons" that had nothing to do with me. We also didn't see eye to eye on quite a few things. He had a tendency to blow up about things that weren't a big deal to me. So I made the final decision to end things with him and move on.
Around the same time I started talking to my friend Josh, a lot. Pretty much all day, everyday when he wasn't working, we would talk on Yahoo Messenger. Josh was going through a rough time and I was able to be there for him. Well the more we talked the more we started to fall for eachother. I didn't leave Rob to be with Josh, but things just kind of ended up that way.
I started my third term of college last month. I'm trying desperately to stay afloat but its hard when the only time I have to focus on homework is when Tallan is sleeping. And even then its hard because I have stuff around the house to do and also try to get a nap in myself. There just aren't enough hours in the day. It seems all I do anymore is go go go. I don't know how DHS expects me to get a Full Time job with all these appointments, school, and life in general swirling around me. But if I don't, I lose my TANF benefits.
I turned in the paperwork for child support, so that Paul will start getting garnished straight out of his paychecks. What he thinks though, is that its going to be LESS than what he is being garnished for his unemployment. He is oh-so-wrong. According to the calculations, I will be getting $385 a month to start off, until he is caught up on his 4 months of back child support. I told him the other day that it was going to be around $300 a month and he got mad and stormed out. It was bullshit. He brags about how much he loves his son and yada yada but yet he doesn't want to help take care of him financially. I don't even have a job and I am able to take care of Tallan. I make sure he has what he needs and has toys and stuff. Paul assumes that myself and everyone else will take care of his son so he doesn't have to worry about it.
On the bright side, I'm planning a trip to Georgia in June to go visit Josh when he comes back from Iraq. I am very excited to go and see Josh and have him meet Tallan and see if he and I are a good fit. So far things are going great, I just hope it stays that way.
-Ash
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