Crappy time for an anxiety attack...

So here I was busting my ass trying to get the chapter for my business class done and I tried to submit it, and because I was a whopping seven minutes late, I got locked out and now can't get credit for it at all.

This puts me three chapters down for this class. I just feel like why should I even keep trying in school. its like trying to find a job, I can't find day care that opens early enough for me to work an 8 - 5 job. DHS is about to cut my TANF if they haven't already and Paul told me that he's going to file an appeal on the child support so its going to take even longer for me to start getting it.

I just feel like my four walls are starting to close in on me and I don't know what the hell to do. My biggest concern is Tallan, I have to be able to support him, I have to make sure he has food, heat and shelter. It makes me feel really shitty that I don't know if I'm going to be able to do that.

I love Tallan more than anything in this world and I want to be able to take care of him. I just feel like If I flunk this term that I'm pretty much just a failure in general. I feel like my life is an Ocean, and I'm drowning. I need a life raft. Or maybe I just need someone to tell me that its going to be okay. I know that I have people who would be there and help me out financially, but my pride tends to stop me from asking for help.

I wish people understood my situation. I see a lot of single moms out there, but 90% of them get SO MUCH help from people. Take that stupid ass show on MTV Teen Mom, they all get so much help from their parents and family. Their parents babysit their kids while they go out and do whatever. I don't have that. My mom has babysat Tallan ONCE since he was born. Yet she watches my nieces for my sister everyday. I don't get it. My dad helps me out with Tallans diapers and pretty much anything else he needs, and for that I am forever thankful. But I rarely get to go out, without Tallan. I'm a 40 year old mom 24 hours a day 7 days a week. It's like I went from being 21 to 40. My life consists of trying to scrape by financially, and spending my nights with Tallan.

I'm lucky that I have Cynthia and ♥Josh♥ in my life. It's nice being able to teach Cynthia about being a mom and learning to rely on yourself. And if Cynthia didn't live here, I think I would go insane. I have to have some adult interaction to function. And Josh is a God send. I like that he is a GUY who LIKES KIDS! Those are few and far between. Plus, I feel like I can trust Josh. He is so sweet to me. Everyone keeps telling me that they hope I can handle being in a relationship with the Military. Thats one thing that I like about Josh and I starting our relationship with him being overseas. He is already gone, so adapting to that isn't hard. I'm really really excited for him to come home though. I love that I'm getting to know him again. We got off on the wrong foot back in High School, and both of our lives have changed a lot. I'm glad life has brought us back together. I have a feeling that Josh and I are going to be happy together.

At this point I'm just writing to try and get this anxiety attack to pass. And for the most part it has. Thanks to listening to music and my blog. I'm also waiting for Josh to come back online. Thats why I've been up late so much these past few weeks. Since he is 10 hours ahead of us, I'm up when he's up so we can talk. Thankfully he'll be back in the states in June and he'll only be 3 hours ahead. But then again, I'll be in Georgia shortly after he arrives and I wont have to worry about time =)

Anyway, I don't have anything else to write about and as long as I don't think about the things that stress me out, I'll be okay.

Until next time folks...
♥ Ash