I want to learn how to do this. It looks super cute!
Pic of the day
.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/248679_10150187908448311_6545
T Checking himself out in the side mirror of Lar's Jetta.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Day Two
I want to learn how to do this. It looks super cute!
Pic of the day
.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/248679_10150187908448311_6545
T Checking himself out in the side mirror of Lar's Jetta.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Day One
I chose this song today because when I hear this song, it takes me back to the beginning of things with Rob. When things started, what started things. It makes me think of when I admitted to him that I was jealous of his girlfriend. Even farther, to the late, late night conversations he and I would have back when I was pregnant. And the time he took me to chang's mongolian grill, just because. And how he pretty much rescued me from the abusive relationship I was in with Paul. A lot of memories flood my mind, even some from before I ever looked at Rob in that way... I just feel so terrible for the pain I caused him. =(
Picture of the Day
Just LOL.
♥ Ash
New Project
I usually post at least one song or video on Facebook every day, something that explains how I feel or to offer others a good laugh. So my new project is to post a video and/or song of the day, plus a photo of the day and under I will explain WHY I am posting those things and how they relate to my day.
Life's about changin, nothin ever stays the same...
So I was sitting here thinking about what to write, SO SO SO much has changed in the last few weeks. It feels as if my life is a whirlwind. But by the grace of "God", all the changes has been changes for the better.
So my mom bought me a car. She already regrets it, but my brother took charge before she could change her mind. My mother, actually, at this moment in time, isn't even speaking to me. But I've already told her that I plan on paying her and my other family members back for what they contributed to paying for the car. It was only $500 so I should have everyone paid back within 2-3 months. If that.
My dad helped me out and was able to get me a job at his work. Which is funny cuz I've been bitching for YEARS that I wanted to work there cuz I have so much call center/phone experience but I wasn't able to since it would have been a "conflict of interest" to work under him or my step-mom. But they brought in a new division, and therefore I was able to get hired since I'm not technically under Deb or my dad. In reality, yeah, I still answer to Deb or my dad, but my actual boss is someone else. Also, since hearing that I've been spending 5+ hours a day on the bus getting Tallan to daycare and to work and from work to pick Tallan up from day care then home, on the bus, my dad gave my brother the money to get my insurance started and get my car fixed faster so I can get some more sleep and my whole day isn't spend revolving around work.
After Josh ended things, I joined that stupid site, Plenty of Fish. I met this really cool guy named Scott. And we really hit it off and went out on a date and I had a really good time. Things seemed to be going well, he said he had fun and wanted to go out again and even kissed me good night. But then he never called. I was pretty pissed off at this. But its life and its whatev. In the midst of all this, I had been trying to re-kindle things with Rob. Who is still being stubborn, but I know that waiting this one out is worth it.
I never should have left Rob. But at the same time, I'm glad I did. I never would have realized how much he really meant to me. I'm glad things didn't work out with Josh or Scott. I feel like something out there wanted me to see the potential in my relationship with Rob. Because I appreciate him more than ever now. I just wish I hadn't hurt him. =( It just sucks cuz leaving him and going thru what I went thru made me realize that I fell in love with him, but me leaving him made him lose his trust in me. It's going to be a long process to fix things and I don't know if things will ever be "normal" or any where close to what they were, all I know is that I want to be with him and I'll ride it out to find out.
I'm glad things are changing in my life. It feels like my life was stuck on pause, and someone finally just pushed play. Change is hard, but sometimes, change is good. At least in this case it is. I'm terrified and excited for what the future has to bring.
-Ashley
So my mom bought me a car. She already regrets it, but my brother took charge before she could change her mind. My mother, actually, at this moment in time, isn't even speaking to me. But I've already told her that I plan on paying her and my other family members back for what they contributed to paying for the car. It was only $500 so I should have everyone paid back within 2-3 months. If that.
My dad helped me out and was able to get me a job at his work. Which is funny cuz I've been bitching for YEARS that I wanted to work there cuz I have so much call center/phone experience but I wasn't able to since it would have been a "conflict of interest" to work under him or my step-mom. But they brought in a new division, and therefore I was able to get hired since I'm not technically under Deb or my dad. In reality, yeah, I still answer to Deb or my dad, but my actual boss is someone else. Also, since hearing that I've been spending 5+ hours a day on the bus getting Tallan to daycare and to work and from work to pick Tallan up from day care then home, on the bus, my dad gave my brother the money to get my insurance started and get my car fixed faster so I can get some more sleep and my whole day isn't spend revolving around work.
After Josh ended things, I joined that stupid site, Plenty of Fish. I met this really cool guy named Scott. And we really hit it off and went out on a date and I had a really good time. Things seemed to be going well, he said he had fun and wanted to go out again and even kissed me good night. But then he never called. I was pretty pissed off at this. But its life and its whatev. In the midst of all this, I had been trying to re-kindle things with Rob. Who is still being stubborn, but I know that waiting this one out is worth it.
I never should have left Rob. But at the same time, I'm glad I did. I never would have realized how much he really meant to me. I'm glad things didn't work out with Josh or Scott. I feel like something out there wanted me to see the potential in my relationship with Rob. Because I appreciate him more than ever now. I just wish I hadn't hurt him. =( It just sucks cuz leaving him and going thru what I went thru made me realize that I fell in love with him, but me leaving him made him lose his trust in me. It's going to be a long process to fix things and I don't know if things will ever be "normal" or any where close to what they were, all I know is that I want to be with him and I'll ride it out to find out.
I'm glad things are changing in my life. It feels like my life was stuck on pause, and someone finally just pushed play. Change is hard, but sometimes, change is good. At least in this case it is. I'm terrified and excited for what the future has to bring.
-Ashley
Monday, May 9, 2011
Way to be a failure...
So I decided to drop out of school and start looking for a full time job. School wasn't "hard" it was just that I was having a hard time keeping up and I knew that I was setting myself up for failure. I'm thinking though, if I don't get a job soon, then I'm going to go through one of those vocational programs that DHS offers because I don't want to be on state assistance forever. Its embarrassing and they don't give me nearly enough to cover my rent, and bills, and to be able to buy stuff for Tallan.
It sucks and I'm disappointed in myself, but it was a choice that I had to make in order to be able to get by financially. I will continue my degree one day, just not right now.
Today is going to be a busy day!! I have to walk up to Fred Meyer and get formula, and a few other groceries. Then do laundry when I get home and in the midst of that I am cleaning my house (Especially my kitchen, its a disaster) and shampooing the carpets. Oy Vey, my back is going to HURTTTTT!
It sucks and I'm disappointed in myself, but it was a choice that I had to make in order to be able to get by financially. I will continue my degree one day, just not right now.
Today is going to be a busy day!! I have to walk up to Fred Meyer and get formula, and a few other groceries. Then do laundry when I get home and in the midst of that I am cleaning my house (Especially my kitchen, its a disaster) and shampooing the carpets. Oy Vey, my back is going to HURTTTTT!
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Ranting about my sons "father"
So were 5ish months into 2011 and I don't think I've ever learned so much in such little time. You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only option.
This year has been a blessing. I have the most amazing child that anyone could ask for. He is my reason for breathing.
A year ago I still had this fantasy that Paul was going to magically morph into Super Dad when Tallan was born. And I held on to that fantasy for a long time. So much so that I continued to come back to Paul despite him being physically, mentally and verbally abusive towards me. I kept thinking, "He'll change" but the more it happened, the more I started to lose faith in that fantasy. It wasn't until Paul came home one night really drunk, and I got mad at him and didn't want him anywhere near Tallan or myself. Paul got so mad, I locked him out of my room where I had Tallan lying on the bed. When I finally let him in he started screaming at me some more and kicked this plastic dresser thing I had next to the door. There was a bunch of stuff on the top of it and when he kicked it, he broke it in half and everything in and on top of it went flying. A USB flash drive and a D Cell Battery came within a few INCHES of hitting Tallan in the face. I told Paul to get the fuck out of my house and that night I decided that I was done. He was never going to be a father figure to my child. Despite what DNA says, to me he is not Tallan's father. A father takes responsibility for their child, a father is there every step of the way for their child.
Paul moved out in January of this year, and it has been a huge struggle trying to get by financially but its all been worth it knowing that I no longer have to go through the abuse from Paul and knowing that my son no longer has to listen to Paul and I screaming at each other, and no longer has to see the way that Paul treated me. That is the one thing I said before Paul left was that I don't want my son to see daddy treating mommy this way and think that that's how you're suppose to treat women.
Paul still continues to try and make my life hell. Whether it be threatening to take me to court for custody rights (Which he will *never* get) or trying to contest his child support order. A few weeks ago, I received pictures of Paul under the influence of Drugs and another picture of him holding a piece of glass with three white lines of a drug called "Molly". Paul has known drinking problems, and clearly has a growing addiction to Narcotics and other, harder drugs. It just pisses me off that he can go blow all of his money on drugs, but not give anything to me for child support. What makes him even more of a pain in the ass is that he's been borrowing money from people, saying that he's giving it to me for child support. When in reality, Paul hasn't given me A DIME since February.
I received paperwork in the mail today that finalizes the child Support Order for Paul to get garnished. The paperwork also told me that according to the information they have, Paul is 4 months behind in child support. So, when you multiply $275 x 4, you get $1100 and it just keeps accruing. =)
He was calling and texting me today saying that I need to grow up and learn how to parent. I honestly laughed at this. He said my way of parenting was "comical". I really think he was looking in the mirror when saying that because I haven't seen him sacrifice HALF the shit I have for our son. If he had to take custody of Tallan today, he would not have any idea what to do because he hasn't been around to see HOW I take care of him, when and what I feed him, when he goes down for his naps, How to use his toys. Et Cetera;
I have learned so much about being a parent and how to survive as a single parent. I don't get breaks and I don't get a ton of help from my friends and family. I have to do this mostly on my own. Maybe once a month I get to go out and actually have a few hours by myself to have a drink or even just go do something by myself. I've had to turn down TWO job offers because they didn't work with my daycare. So working full time right now, clearly isn't an option.
Anyway, I'm done ranting for now. There will be more at a later time.
-Ash
This year has been a blessing. I have the most amazing child that anyone could ask for. He is my reason for breathing.
A year ago I still had this fantasy that Paul was going to magically morph into Super Dad when Tallan was born. And I held on to that fantasy for a long time. So much so that I continued to come back to Paul despite him being physically, mentally and verbally abusive towards me. I kept thinking, "He'll change" but the more it happened, the more I started to lose faith in that fantasy. It wasn't until Paul came home one night really drunk, and I got mad at him and didn't want him anywhere near Tallan or myself. Paul got so mad, I locked him out of my room where I had Tallan lying on the bed. When I finally let him in he started screaming at me some more and kicked this plastic dresser thing I had next to the door. There was a bunch of stuff on the top of it and when he kicked it, he broke it in half and everything in and on top of it went flying. A USB flash drive and a D Cell Battery came within a few INCHES of hitting Tallan in the face. I told Paul to get the fuck out of my house and that night I decided that I was done. He was never going to be a father figure to my child. Despite what DNA says, to me he is not Tallan's father. A father takes responsibility for their child, a father is there every step of the way for their child.
Paul moved out in January of this year, and it has been a huge struggle trying to get by financially but its all been worth it knowing that I no longer have to go through the abuse from Paul and knowing that my son no longer has to listen to Paul and I screaming at each other, and no longer has to see the way that Paul treated me. That is the one thing I said before Paul left was that I don't want my son to see daddy treating mommy this way and think that that's how you're suppose to treat women.
Paul still continues to try and make my life hell. Whether it be threatening to take me to court for custody rights (Which he will *never* get) or trying to contest his child support order. A few weeks ago, I received pictures of Paul under the influence of Drugs and another picture of him holding a piece of glass with three white lines of a drug called "Molly". Paul has known drinking problems, and clearly has a growing addiction to Narcotics and other, harder drugs. It just pisses me off that he can go blow all of his money on drugs, but not give anything to me for child support. What makes him even more of a pain in the ass is that he's been borrowing money from people, saying that he's giving it to me for child support. When in reality, Paul hasn't given me A DIME since February.
I received paperwork in the mail today that finalizes the child Support Order for Paul to get garnished. The paperwork also told me that according to the information they have, Paul is 4 months behind in child support. So, when you multiply $275 x 4, you get $1100 and it just keeps accruing. =)
He was calling and texting me today saying that I need to grow up and learn how to parent. I honestly laughed at this. He said my way of parenting was "comical". I really think he was looking in the mirror when saying that because I haven't seen him sacrifice HALF the shit I have for our son. If he had to take custody of Tallan today, he would not have any idea what to do because he hasn't been around to see HOW I take care of him, when and what I feed him, when he goes down for his naps, How to use his toys. Et Cetera;
I have learned so much about being a parent and how to survive as a single parent. I don't get breaks and I don't get a ton of help from my friends and family. I have to do this mostly on my own. Maybe once a month I get to go out and actually have a few hours by myself to have a drink or even just go do something by myself. I've had to turn down TWO job offers because they didn't work with my daycare. So working full time right now, clearly isn't an option.
Anyway, I'm done ranting for now. There will be more at a later time.
-Ash
Friday, May 6, 2011
Stressing about School and Finances...
So this week has been full of ups and downs so far.
It started off with Josh deciding that he wasn't ready for this. I gave myself 5 minutes to cry about it and got back to taking care of my son and what not. I'm still sad about it.
Then I received a bill from PGE for $455 and I thought my eyes were going to bug outta my head. I still owe a balance from when Paul lived here. He has given me a whopping $50 to go towards PGE and thats only because they threatened to shut off my electricity back in February. When Paul lived here, he was in charge of paying rent and PGE, while I was taking care of Tallan, keeping up on the apartment and paying for groceries. I wasn't aware until January that Paul had stopped paying PGE back in April of 2010. When Paul moved out in January, he left me with a $380 PGE bill, and since then, with what little extra money I get I've been trying to pay it down on top of paying the monthly electricity costs. Thankfully, last month Cynthia paid $50 toward PGE which saved us, yet again, from being shut off. I've been trying to get a hold of the Energy assistance people but my Sprint phone got shut off so I have no idea if they've been trying to contact me to help me pay it down some. I literally have $90-something dollars to my name and I'm going to be giving PGE about $75 and Cynthia is going to pay another $40 when she gets paid.
Next, I received a letter from my landlord stating that starting June 1st, 2011 my rent is being raised from $650 to $675. To most people this doesn't seem like a huge jump, but when I'm already struggling to make ends meet, $25 is a lot. Granted Cynthia pays me $225 a month for rent, but that still leaves me with $425 for rent to come up with by myself. So I told Cynthia that I was going to split the raise in rent so its fair on both of us. So now she's going to be paying $237.50 and I will be paying $437.50.
With those two things weighing me down, I'm feeling the pressure more than ever to find a job. I have been looking and applying too. My biggest struggle so far has been finding a job that coincides with the hours of my day care. I've had to let go of two job offers so far because they want me to start a shift at 7am or earlier and I can't even drop Tallan off at daycare until 730am at the earliest.
I am so thankful that my dad and step mom help me out with anything Tallan needs. Such as Diapers, wipes, bottles, sippy cups, anything I need or want for Tallan they buy. At the same time I feel bad, it makes me feel like I'm not able to provide for him on my own. I know that one day I will though. I just gotta make it through this rough patch and eventually things will get easier.
Also, I just got an email from one of my instructors from school saying that I received only 35 out of 60 points on this entire chapter of homework. I remember following ALL of the instructions and making sure I had all 5 assignments completed. But she said I didn't and that I had done all these things wrong. It was so frustrating. It just feels like every week when I turn in an assignment/chapter of work, she nit picks every single little error and docks a ton of points for it. I just feel like why should I continue to try? She knows my situation, that I'm a single mother and I don't have a whole lot of time to spend on homework and stuff for school, yet she still docks points and wont accept any late work. And I know as much as I'm trying to stay afloat in my other classes I'm falling way behind. I know that I'm going to fail at least one class this term which means I'm going to lose my financial aid for Fall Term. It's all very DE-motivating.
I need to make a plan. My dad has taught me that you always need to have a plan. And a back up plan. When I was pregnant with Tallan, my dad sat me down and asked me to come up with a plan. He said I needed to figure out how I was going to support myself and Tallan after he was born. He also told me that I needed to come up with a back up plan if Paul decided to ditch out. And so I did and a month later Paul and I had our own apartment. Although, I was putting all my eggs in one basket, assuming that Paul and I were going to work out and everything was going to be hunky-dory. I knew that I still needed to come up with a back up plan. So when I kicked Paul out in January, I had to come up with a plan and fast. I still wasn't working and with rent and bills due, I had to act fast. This is when Cynthia moved in, and so far things have been working out well. But with Cynthia expecting baby Elijah in September, Money is going to get really tight for both of us. So I am going to spend the rest of my evening brainstorming ways to get through this and out of this financial nightmare.
In other news, Cynthia's baby shower is less than a month away, so I'm also going to be busy with Organizing and planning that. I ordered her some cute stuff for the shower on amazon. I love amazon, everything is so cheap. I'm planning out the games and the timeline. I think her mom is going to help me with some of the costs, like the cake and some of the food. I also need to pick up the prizes. But I'm super excited, and when thats all done, I get to finish planning Tallan's FIRST birthday party. I'm having it at the Oregon Zoo, so all my friends and family that have kids, actually get to go out and have fun too. The only downfall is it might wind up being very spendy, cuz I know that I will have to pay for some people.
Anyway, I've rambled on enough tonight. I just wanted to write about all the crap going on in my life this week. =)
-Ashley
It started off with Josh deciding that he wasn't ready for this. I gave myself 5 minutes to cry about it and got back to taking care of my son and what not. I'm still sad about it.
Then I received a bill from PGE for $455 and I thought my eyes were going to bug outta my head. I still owe a balance from when Paul lived here. He has given me a whopping $50 to go towards PGE and thats only because they threatened to shut off my electricity back in February. When Paul lived here, he was in charge of paying rent and PGE, while I was taking care of Tallan, keeping up on the apartment and paying for groceries. I wasn't aware until January that Paul had stopped paying PGE back in April of 2010. When Paul moved out in January, he left me with a $380 PGE bill, and since then, with what little extra money I get I've been trying to pay it down on top of paying the monthly electricity costs. Thankfully, last month Cynthia paid $50 toward PGE which saved us, yet again, from being shut off. I've been trying to get a hold of the Energy assistance people but my Sprint phone got shut off so I have no idea if they've been trying to contact me to help me pay it down some. I literally have $90-something dollars to my name and I'm going to be giving PGE about $75 and Cynthia is going to pay another $40 when she gets paid.
Next, I received a letter from my landlord stating that starting June 1st, 2011 my rent is being raised from $650 to $675. To most people this doesn't seem like a huge jump, but when I'm already struggling to make ends meet, $25 is a lot. Granted Cynthia pays me $225 a month for rent, but that still leaves me with $425 for rent to come up with by myself. So I told Cynthia that I was going to split the raise in rent so its fair on both of us. So now she's going to be paying $237.50 and I will be paying $437.50.
With those two things weighing me down, I'm feeling the pressure more than ever to find a job. I have been looking and applying too. My biggest struggle so far has been finding a job that coincides with the hours of my day care. I've had to let go of two job offers so far because they want me to start a shift at 7am or earlier and I can't even drop Tallan off at daycare until 730am at the earliest.
I am so thankful that my dad and step mom help me out with anything Tallan needs. Such as Diapers, wipes, bottles, sippy cups, anything I need or want for Tallan they buy. At the same time I feel bad, it makes me feel like I'm not able to provide for him on my own. I know that one day I will though. I just gotta make it through this rough patch and eventually things will get easier.
Also, I just got an email from one of my instructors from school saying that I received only 35 out of 60 points on this entire chapter of homework. I remember following ALL of the instructions and making sure I had all 5 assignments completed. But she said I didn't and that I had done all these things wrong. It was so frustrating. It just feels like every week when I turn in an assignment/chapter of work, she nit picks every single little error and docks a ton of points for it. I just feel like why should I continue to try? She knows my situation, that I'm a single mother and I don't have a whole lot of time to spend on homework and stuff for school, yet she still docks points and wont accept any late work. And I know as much as I'm trying to stay afloat in my other classes I'm falling way behind. I know that I'm going to fail at least one class this term which means I'm going to lose my financial aid for Fall Term. It's all very DE-motivating.
I need to make a plan. My dad has taught me that you always need to have a plan. And a back up plan. When I was pregnant with Tallan, my dad sat me down and asked me to come up with a plan. He said I needed to figure out how I was going to support myself and Tallan after he was born. He also told me that I needed to come up with a back up plan if Paul decided to ditch out. And so I did and a month later Paul and I had our own apartment. Although, I was putting all my eggs in one basket, assuming that Paul and I were going to work out and everything was going to be hunky-dory. I knew that I still needed to come up with a back up plan. So when I kicked Paul out in January, I had to come up with a plan and fast. I still wasn't working and with rent and bills due, I had to act fast. This is when Cynthia moved in, and so far things have been working out well. But with Cynthia expecting baby Elijah in September, Money is going to get really tight for both of us. So I am going to spend the rest of my evening brainstorming ways to get through this and out of this financial nightmare.
In other news, Cynthia's baby shower is less than a month away, so I'm also going to be busy with Organizing and planning that. I ordered her some cute stuff for the shower on amazon. I love amazon, everything is so cheap. I'm planning out the games and the timeline. I think her mom is going to help me with some of the costs, like the cake and some of the food. I also need to pick up the prizes. But I'm super excited, and when thats all done, I get to finish planning Tallan's FIRST birthday party. I'm having it at the Oregon Zoo, so all my friends and family that have kids, actually get to go out and have fun too. The only downfall is it might wind up being very spendy, cuz I know that I will have to pay for some people.
Anyway, I've rambled on enough tonight. I just wanted to write about all the crap going on in my life this week. =)
-Ashley
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
I MADE THIS!!
I made this. I want to display it at the top of my blog, but I don't know how. My HTML skills are dying. lol.
Friday, April 29, 2011
I'm tired of being treated like the Black Sheep in my Family
Why is it when I try my hardest to get by, and provide for my son that my family decides to kick me when I'm down?
I just don't get it. I know that I haven't made the smartest decisions but it really pisses me off when I'm doing good and my family just rags on me for all the negative. Also, it pisses me off to watch my mom buy things for Taylor and McKena and not ask my sister to reimburse her for it, yet when I ask her to pay for something for Tallan she tells me that I need to make sure I pay her back for it. My sister and her husband are not by any means hurting financially. Yet, its pretty clear that I am and yet I have to pay her back every dime that she spends on me. Just like she does full blown day care for my neices but its a fight everytime I ask her to watch Tallan for me.
Another thing she did today that really bothered me was when we were at my brothers house she brought up that she and Dan are moving to Georgia. My brother said that he and Becky wanted the house, and she said that Jenn and Dennis already jumped on that deal. I chimed in and said well, what about me? I could really use being able to live in the house while they're gone since I'm struggling to get by right now, it'd be a great way for me to be able to get back up on my feet. My mom and brother both pretty much laughed in my face.
Then pretty much all day my mom was trying to tell me that I needed to feed Tallan, every time he got the slightest bit fussy she was telling me to feed him. The first time I proved her wrong by showing her that all he wanted was a nap. I know my child better than anyone. I know what his cries mean. So the second time he started crying she was harping on me to feed him again. I was like "mom, we're five minutes from my house, I'll feed him when I get home" then we stopped by the store and when I came out of the store she was in the back seat feeding him his cereal pieces. Which was fine, not a big deal, until I got up to her car and she was like "See, I told you he was hungry" and I was like "Mom, I never said he wasn't hungry, I said we're right by my house, I'll feed him when I get home". So she got in the car and was going off about how I need to feed him more and how she would have pulled over if I told her that I needed to feed him. It was really starting to get on my nerves so I told her to just fucking drop it.
So just to prove her wrong, when I got home, I changed Tallan and put him in the high chair. I opened a container of peach cobbler baby food. Tallan took FOUR BITES before pushing it away and refusing to eat anything else. I recorded the whole thing to show my mom if she didn't believe me. So then I called her and told her that he only took four bites. She said that was because she was feeding him the cereal pieces while I was in the store and probably wasn't hungry at that point. I seriously wanted to scream.
Its like she completely disregards that he is Lactose-Intolerant and expects me to feed him food that is going to upset his stomach and have him up all night crying and screaming in pain. She treats me like I starve my child. Yes, my son is underweight, but that is because he doesn't get a lot of fats from regular milk and cheese, like normal babies do. It's like I do the best that I can and still it will never be good enough in anyone's eyes.
Urgh, I just needed to rant. Nothing else really happened today.
-Ash
I just don't get it. I know that I haven't made the smartest decisions but it really pisses me off when I'm doing good and my family just rags on me for all the negative. Also, it pisses me off to watch my mom buy things for Taylor and McKena and not ask my sister to reimburse her for it, yet when I ask her to pay for something for Tallan she tells me that I need to make sure I pay her back for it. My sister and her husband are not by any means hurting financially. Yet, its pretty clear that I am and yet I have to pay her back every dime that she spends on me. Just like she does full blown day care for my neices but its a fight everytime I ask her to watch Tallan for me.
Another thing she did today that really bothered me was when we were at my brothers house she brought up that she and Dan are moving to Georgia. My brother said that he and Becky wanted the house, and she said that Jenn and Dennis already jumped on that deal. I chimed in and said well, what about me? I could really use being able to live in the house while they're gone since I'm struggling to get by right now, it'd be a great way for me to be able to get back up on my feet. My mom and brother both pretty much laughed in my face.
Then pretty much all day my mom was trying to tell me that I needed to feed Tallan, every time he got the slightest bit fussy she was telling me to feed him. The first time I proved her wrong by showing her that all he wanted was a nap. I know my child better than anyone. I know what his cries mean. So the second time he started crying she was harping on me to feed him again. I was like "mom, we're five minutes from my house, I'll feed him when I get home" then we stopped by the store and when I came out of the store she was in the back seat feeding him his cereal pieces. Which was fine, not a big deal, until I got up to her car and she was like "See, I told you he was hungry" and I was like "Mom, I never said he wasn't hungry, I said we're right by my house, I'll feed him when I get home". So she got in the car and was going off about how I need to feed him more and how she would have pulled over if I told her that I needed to feed him. It was really starting to get on my nerves so I told her to just fucking drop it.
So just to prove her wrong, when I got home, I changed Tallan and put him in the high chair. I opened a container of peach cobbler baby food. Tallan took FOUR BITES before pushing it away and refusing to eat anything else. I recorded the whole thing to show my mom if she didn't believe me. So then I called her and told her that he only took four bites. She said that was because she was feeding him the cereal pieces while I was in the store and probably wasn't hungry at that point. I seriously wanted to scream.
Its like she completely disregards that he is Lactose-Intolerant and expects me to feed him food that is going to upset his stomach and have him up all night crying and screaming in pain. She treats me like I starve my child. Yes, my son is underweight, but that is because he doesn't get a lot of fats from regular milk and cheese, like normal babies do. It's like I do the best that I can and still it will never be good enough in anyone's eyes.
Urgh, I just needed to rant. Nothing else really happened today.
-Ash
Crappy time for an anxiety attack...
So here I was busting my ass trying to get the chapter for my business class done and I tried to submit it, and because I was a whopping seven minutes late, I got locked out and now can't get credit for it at all.
This puts me three chapters down for this class. I just feel like why should I even keep trying in school. its like trying to find a job, I can't find day care that opens early enough for me to work an 8 - 5 job. DHS is about to cut my TANF if they haven't already and Paul told me that he's going to file an appeal on the child support so its going to take even longer for me to start getting it.
I just feel like my four walls are starting to close in on me and I don't know what the hell to do. My biggest concern is Tallan, I have to be able to support him, I have to make sure he has food, heat and shelter. It makes me feel really shitty that I don't know if I'm going to be able to do that.
I love Tallan more than anything in this world and I want to be able to take care of him. I just feel like If I flunk this term that I'm pretty much just a failure in general. I feel like my life is an Ocean, and I'm drowning. I need a life raft. Or maybe I just need someone to tell me that its going to be okay. I know that I have people who would be there and help me out financially, but my pride tends to stop me from asking for help.
I wish people understood my situation. I see a lot of single moms out there, but 90% of them get SO MUCH help from people. Take that stupid ass show on MTV Teen Mom, they all get so much help from their parents and family. Their parents babysit their kids while they go out and do whatever. I don't have that. My mom has babysat Tallan ONCE since he was born. Yet she watches my nieces for my sister everyday. I don't get it. My dad helps me out with Tallans diapers and pretty much anything else he needs, and for that I am forever thankful. But I rarely get to go out, without Tallan. I'm a 40 year old mom 24 hours a day 7 days a week. It's like I went from being 21 to 40. My life consists of trying to scrape by financially, and spending my nights with Tallan.
I'm lucky that I have Cynthia and ♥Josh♥ in my life. It's nice being able to teach Cynthia about being a mom and learning to rely on yourself. And if Cynthia didn't live here, I think I would go insane. I have to have some adult interaction to function. And Josh is a God send. I like that he is a GUY who LIKES KIDS! Those are few and far between. Plus, I feel like I can trust Josh. He is so sweet to me. Everyone keeps telling me that they hope I can handle being in a relationship with the Military. Thats one thing that I like about Josh and I starting our relationship with him being overseas. He is already gone, so adapting to that isn't hard. I'm really really excited for him to come home though. I love that I'm getting to know him again. We got off on the wrong foot back in High School, and both of our lives have changed a lot. I'm glad life has brought us back together. I have a feeling that Josh and I are going to be happy together.
At this point I'm just writing to try and get this anxiety attack to pass. And for the most part it has. Thanks to listening to music and my blog. I'm also waiting for Josh to come back online. Thats why I've been up late so much these past few weeks. Since he is 10 hours ahead of us, I'm up when he's up so we can talk. Thankfully he'll be back in the states in June and he'll only be 3 hours ahead. But then again, I'll be in Georgia shortly after he arrives and I wont have to worry about time =)
Anyway, I don't have anything else to write about and as long as I don't think about the things that stress me out, I'll be okay.
Until next time folks...
♥ Ash
This puts me three chapters down for this class. I just feel like why should I even keep trying in school. its like trying to find a job, I can't find day care that opens early enough for me to work an 8 - 5 job. DHS is about to cut my TANF if they haven't already and Paul told me that he's going to file an appeal on the child support so its going to take even longer for me to start getting it.
I just feel like my four walls are starting to close in on me and I don't know what the hell to do. My biggest concern is Tallan, I have to be able to support him, I have to make sure he has food, heat and shelter. It makes me feel really shitty that I don't know if I'm going to be able to do that.
I love Tallan more than anything in this world and I want to be able to take care of him. I just feel like If I flunk this term that I'm pretty much just a failure in general. I feel like my life is an Ocean, and I'm drowning. I need a life raft. Or maybe I just need someone to tell me that its going to be okay. I know that I have people who would be there and help me out financially, but my pride tends to stop me from asking for help.
I wish people understood my situation. I see a lot of single moms out there, but 90% of them get SO MUCH help from people. Take that stupid ass show on MTV Teen Mom, they all get so much help from their parents and family. Their parents babysit their kids while they go out and do whatever. I don't have that. My mom has babysat Tallan ONCE since he was born. Yet she watches my nieces for my sister everyday. I don't get it. My dad helps me out with Tallans diapers and pretty much anything else he needs, and for that I am forever thankful. But I rarely get to go out, without Tallan. I'm a 40 year old mom 24 hours a day 7 days a week. It's like I went from being 21 to 40. My life consists of trying to scrape by financially, and spending my nights with Tallan.
I'm lucky that I have Cynthia and ♥Josh♥ in my life. It's nice being able to teach Cynthia about being a mom and learning to rely on yourself. And if Cynthia didn't live here, I think I would go insane. I have to have some adult interaction to function. And Josh is a God send. I like that he is a GUY who LIKES KIDS! Those are few and far between. Plus, I feel like I can trust Josh. He is so sweet to me. Everyone keeps telling me that they hope I can handle being in a relationship with the Military. Thats one thing that I like about Josh and I starting our relationship with him being overseas. He is already gone, so adapting to that isn't hard. I'm really really excited for him to come home though. I love that I'm getting to know him again. We got off on the wrong foot back in High School, and both of our lives have changed a lot. I'm glad life has brought us back together. I have a feeling that Josh and I are going to be happy together.
At this point I'm just writing to try and get this anxiety attack to pass. And for the most part it has. Thanks to listening to music and my blog. I'm also waiting for Josh to come back online. Thats why I've been up late so much these past few weeks. Since he is 10 hours ahead of us, I'm up when he's up so we can talk. Thankfully he'll be back in the states in June and he'll only be 3 hours ahead. But then again, I'll be in Georgia shortly after he arrives and I wont have to worry about time =)
Anyway, I don't have anything else to write about and as long as I don't think about the things that stress me out, I'll be okay.
Until next time folks...
♥ Ash
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
On the road to happiness =)
So in the midst of all the changes happening in my life, Josh asked me to be his girlfriend today. =) I gladly accepted.
I've never been into the whole long distance relationship thing, but I feel like this is different. I have this feeling that everything is happening just as it should, and for once I'm doing the RIGHT thing.
Like I said in one of my last posts, Josh is flying Tallan and I down to Georgia when he gets back from Iraq. I'm soooooo excited to see him! =)
In Other News....
I went to the ER the other day, because my back and side were in excruciating pain. And of course, as always, they weren't able to tell me what was wrong. No explanation for the Kidney Pain, and they said they were gonna do a CT scan on my back, but instead they shot me up with Morphine, gave me a prescription for some pain killers and sent me on my way. Lame. I would really like to know what is causing my back pain. The kidney pain has died down a bit, but I can't walk or sit for long periods of time without my back just aching to the point that it becomes unbearable. The ER doctor told me to follow up with my PCP... yeah, I don't have one of those. I have insurance, but I'm not going out to multnomah county to see a doctor. I like the doctor that I had before my other insurance lapsed. Stupid DHS bullshit.
I got an email from Kate the other day. For those of you who don't know who "Kate" is... She is pauls ex. The girl he lived with right after I kicked him out. Well, Paul got Kate pregnant and was trying to say it wasn't his kid. This came as no surprise to me, since Paul "doesn't believe in condoms". But Kate miscarried and where was Paul? Already moving on with some other girl, named Stephanie. So Kate emailed me and was asking how I dealt with Paul for so long. I told her to call me and she and I talked for a while. I'm sad that she miscarried, because despite the situation, Tallan would have had a sibling. But in Kate's situation, it was a blessing in disguise. Paul is a douche who can't take care of his first kid and he was trying to deny this one. It would have been nothing but an uphill battle for her, probably harder than what I went through with Paul. But, she gave me some information about Paul, and all the drugs he's been on lately. She even sent me pictures of paul doing Coke. Which I am going to print and attach to the custody paperwork.
I'm thinking about filing for custody before I go to Georgia, just so we don't have any issues when I go. I can fore see it now, Paul trying to say I kidnapped his kid and took him out of the state. LOL. He is such a social fucking reject.
Anyway, back to happier times... ♥ Josh ♥ ...yay! He's such a sweetheart. I can not wait til he's back!!
I've never been into the whole long distance relationship thing, but I feel like this is different. I have this feeling that everything is happening just as it should, and for once I'm doing the RIGHT thing.
Like I said in one of my last posts, Josh is flying Tallan and I down to Georgia when he gets back from Iraq. I'm soooooo excited to see him! =)
In Other News....
I went to the ER the other day, because my back and side were in excruciating pain. And of course, as always, they weren't able to tell me what was wrong. No explanation for the Kidney Pain, and they said they were gonna do a CT scan on my back, but instead they shot me up with Morphine, gave me a prescription for some pain killers and sent me on my way. Lame. I would really like to know what is causing my back pain. The kidney pain has died down a bit, but I can't walk or sit for long periods of time without my back just aching to the point that it becomes unbearable. The ER doctor told me to follow up with my PCP... yeah, I don't have one of those. I have insurance, but I'm not going out to multnomah county to see a doctor. I like the doctor that I had before my other insurance lapsed. Stupid DHS bullshit.
I got an email from Kate the other day. For those of you who don't know who "Kate" is... She is pauls ex. The girl he lived with right after I kicked him out. Well, Paul got Kate pregnant and was trying to say it wasn't his kid. This came as no surprise to me, since Paul "doesn't believe in condoms". But Kate miscarried and where was Paul? Already moving on with some other girl, named Stephanie. So Kate emailed me and was asking how I dealt with Paul for so long. I told her to call me and she and I talked for a while. I'm sad that she miscarried, because despite the situation, Tallan would have had a sibling. But in Kate's situation, it was a blessing in disguise. Paul is a douche who can't take care of his first kid and he was trying to deny this one. It would have been nothing but an uphill battle for her, probably harder than what I went through with Paul. But, she gave me some information about Paul, and all the drugs he's been on lately. She even sent me pictures of paul doing Coke. Which I am going to print and attach to the custody paperwork.
I'm thinking about filing for custody before I go to Georgia, just so we don't have any issues when I go. I can fore see it now, Paul trying to say I kidnapped his kid and took him out of the state. LOL. He is such a social fucking reject.
Anyway, back to happier times... ♥ Josh ♥ ...yay! He's such a sweetheart. I can not wait til he's back!!
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Sometimes I wonder if this is ever going to get easier?
I love being a mother. I love it more than anything I have ever done. If I could choose this as a career and get paid for it, I would be in heaven. But life isn't always that easy. Being a stay at home, single mom, getting paid, means you're on welfare. Not exactly something I'm proud of, but I have to pay the bills somehow since Paul isn't exactly helping with any of that.
I'm not writing this blog to bitch about nor glorify being a single mom. I'm here to complain about the screaming pain in my back. I am almost positive that I have a kidney infection and something seriously wrong with my lower back. So I get to take a trip to the ER today.
Its sunny and 70 degrees outside and I get to spend my day in the ER. Yey, me.
FML.
I'm not writing this blog to bitch about nor glorify being a single mom. I'm here to complain about the screaming pain in my back. I am almost positive that I have a kidney infection and something seriously wrong with my lower back. So I get to take a trip to the ER today.
Its sunny and 70 degrees outside and I get to spend my day in the ER. Yey, me.
FML.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Needing something to pass the time...
So Its been months since I've posted anything on here... I just need something to pass the time til I hear back from Josh so I can know that everything is okay. I know I worry too much, but considering where he is and the job he does, anything could happen.
So I went to Cynthia's Jewelery Party today and there was some really cute stuff and I bought three pieces for $53. Considering they use the Swarovski Crystals on all three of them, thats a pretty good deal. I've been thinking about Talking to Summer and possibly hosting a party, but I don't know when I'm gonna have money to be able to buy stuff again.
So I guess I'll write about the other stuff going on in my life. New happenings and things that are changing...
I broke things off with Rob. Rob wasn't a bad guy, he was great to me and great to Tallan. But he didn't want to put a title on our relationship and after four months I felt that it was time to put a title on things and he didn't feel that same. He said the cause of that was "personal reasons" that had nothing to do with me. We also didn't see eye to eye on quite a few things. He had a tendency to blow up about things that weren't a big deal to me. So I made the final decision to end things with him and move on.
Around the same time I started talking to my friend Josh, a lot. Pretty much all day, everyday when he wasn't working, we would talk on Yahoo Messenger. Josh was going through a rough time and I was able to be there for him. Well the more we talked the more we started to fall for eachother. I didn't leave Rob to be with Josh, but things just kind of ended up that way.
I started my third term of college last month. I'm trying desperately to stay afloat but its hard when the only time I have to focus on homework is when Tallan is sleeping. And even then its hard because I have stuff around the house to do and also try to get a nap in myself. There just aren't enough hours in the day. It seems all I do anymore is go go go. I don't know how DHS expects me to get a Full Time job with all these appointments, school, and life in general swirling around me. But if I don't, I lose my TANF benefits.
I turned in the paperwork for child support, so that Paul will start getting garnished straight out of his paychecks. What he thinks though, is that its going to be LESS than what he is being garnished for his unemployment. He is oh-so-wrong. According to the calculations, I will be getting $385 a month to start off, until he is caught up on his 4 months of back child support. I told him the other day that it was going to be around $300 a month and he got mad and stormed out. It was bullshit. He brags about how much he loves his son and yada yada but yet he doesn't want to help take care of him financially. I don't even have a job and I am able to take care of Tallan. I make sure he has what he needs and has toys and stuff. Paul assumes that myself and everyone else will take care of his son so he doesn't have to worry about it.
On the bright side, I'm planning a trip to Georgia in June to go visit Josh when he comes back from Iraq. I am very excited to go and see Josh and have him meet Tallan and see if he and I are a good fit. So far things are going great, I just hope it stays that way.
-Ash
So I went to Cynthia's Jewelery Party today and there was some really cute stuff and I bought three pieces for $53. Considering they use the Swarovski Crystals on all three of them, thats a pretty good deal. I've been thinking about Talking to Summer and possibly hosting a party, but I don't know when I'm gonna have money to be able to buy stuff again.
So I guess I'll write about the other stuff going on in my life. New happenings and things that are changing...
I broke things off with Rob. Rob wasn't a bad guy, he was great to me and great to Tallan. But he didn't want to put a title on our relationship and after four months I felt that it was time to put a title on things and he didn't feel that same. He said the cause of that was "personal reasons" that had nothing to do with me. We also didn't see eye to eye on quite a few things. He had a tendency to blow up about things that weren't a big deal to me. So I made the final decision to end things with him and move on.
Around the same time I started talking to my friend Josh, a lot. Pretty much all day, everyday when he wasn't working, we would talk on Yahoo Messenger. Josh was going through a rough time and I was able to be there for him. Well the more we talked the more we started to fall for eachother. I didn't leave Rob to be with Josh, but things just kind of ended up that way.
I started my third term of college last month. I'm trying desperately to stay afloat but its hard when the only time I have to focus on homework is when Tallan is sleeping. And even then its hard because I have stuff around the house to do and also try to get a nap in myself. There just aren't enough hours in the day. It seems all I do anymore is go go go. I don't know how DHS expects me to get a Full Time job with all these appointments, school, and life in general swirling around me. But if I don't, I lose my TANF benefits.
I turned in the paperwork for child support, so that Paul will start getting garnished straight out of his paychecks. What he thinks though, is that its going to be LESS than what he is being garnished for his unemployment. He is oh-so-wrong. According to the calculations, I will be getting $385 a month to start off, until he is caught up on his 4 months of back child support. I told him the other day that it was going to be around $300 a month and he got mad and stormed out. It was bullshit. He brags about how much he loves his son and yada yada but yet he doesn't want to help take care of him financially. I don't even have a job and I am able to take care of Tallan. I make sure he has what he needs and has toys and stuff. Paul assumes that myself and everyone else will take care of his son so he doesn't have to worry about it.
On the bright side, I'm planning a trip to Georgia in June to go visit Josh when he comes back from Iraq. I am very excited to go and see Josh and have him meet Tallan and see if he and I are a good fit. So far things are going great, I just hope it stays that way.
-Ash
Sunday, February 13, 2011
I miss these..
What is on your bed right now?
featherbed, pillows and blankets
When was the last time you threw up?
bout two weeks ago
What's your favorite word or phrase?
Your Mom
What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
Sleeping
What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
watching TV
What is your favorite holiday?
Christmas
Have you ever been to another country?
No
What is the last thing you said aloud?
"yes"
What is the best ice cream flavor?
Chocolate Chip Mint
What was the last thing you had to drink?
RED BULL
What are you wearing right now?
Clothes.
What was the last thing you ate?
Gushers
Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
Yup =)
When was the last time you ran?
I dont know
What's the last sporting event you watched?
NASCAR
If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
North Dakota
Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on facebook?
Jessica, I think.
Ever go camping?
It's been soo long.
Do you have a tan?
No. I need to start going Tanning tho, when I have the money.
Have you ever lost anything down a toilet?
Money.
What is your guilty pleasure?
Teen Mom 2
Do you use smiley faces on the computer alot?
Yeah
Do you drink your soda from a straw?
If its in a cup, yeah.
What did your last text message say?
"Brian Warren: 'If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best'"
Are you someone's best friend?
A few
What are you doing tomorrow?
Job Hunting
Where is your mom right now?
At her house, sleeping.
Look to your left, what do you see?
a wall and window
What color is your watch?
I don't wear a watch, I have a cell phone that tells me the time.
What do you think of when you think of Australia?
Down Under
Ever ridden on a roller coaster?
Uhh, Yeah.
What is your birthstone?
Ruby.
Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?
Depends.
Do you have any friends on facebook that you actually hate?
No.
Do you have a dog?
no =(.
Last person you talked to on the phone?
Rob <3
Any plans today?
Already done.
Are you happy?
I'm content
Where are you right now?
Home
Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
My sons father.
Last song listened to?
"december" by taylor swift
Last movie you saw?
I don't remember
Are you allergic to anything?
Pepperoni, dark chocolate and cough medicine
Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
my uggs
Are you jealous of anyone?
nope, people are jealous of me!
Is anyone jealous of you?
See Above
Do any of your friends have children?
yes
Do you eat healthy?
No
What do you usually do during the day?
Depends on the day.
Do you hate anyone right now?
Not really a few people i gues
Do you use the word 'hello' daily?
Yeah
How many kids do you want when you're older?
4
How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
23
Have you ever been to Six Flags?
No
How did u get one of your scars?
Climbing trees as a kid
featherbed, pillows and blankets
When was the last time you threw up?
bout two weeks ago
What's your favorite word or phrase?
Your Mom
What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
Sleeping
What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
watching TV
What is your favorite holiday?
Christmas
Have you ever been to another country?
No
What is the last thing you said aloud?
"yes"
What is the best ice cream flavor?
Chocolate Chip Mint
What was the last thing you had to drink?
RED BULL
What are you wearing right now?
Clothes.
What was the last thing you ate?
Gushers
Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
Yup =)
When was the last time you ran?
I dont know
What's the last sporting event you watched?
NASCAR
If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
North Dakota
Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on facebook?
Jessica, I think.
Ever go camping?
It's been soo long.
Do you have a tan?
No. I need to start going Tanning tho, when I have the money.
Have you ever lost anything down a toilet?
Money.
What is your guilty pleasure?
Teen Mom 2
Do you use smiley faces on the computer alot?
Yeah
Do you drink your soda from a straw?
If its in a cup, yeah.
What did your last text message say?
"Brian Warren: 'If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best'"
Are you someone's best friend?
A few
What are you doing tomorrow?
Job Hunting
Where is your mom right now?
At her house, sleeping.
Look to your left, what do you see?
a wall and window
What color is your watch?
I don't wear a watch, I have a cell phone that tells me the time.
What do you think of when you think of Australia?
Down Under
Ever ridden on a roller coaster?
Uhh, Yeah.
What is your birthstone?
Ruby.
Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?
Depends.
Do you have any friends on facebook that you actually hate?
No.
Do you have a dog?
no =(.
Last person you talked to on the phone?
Rob <3
Any plans today?
Already done.
Are you happy?
I'm content
Where are you right now?
Home
Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
My sons father.
Last song listened to?
"december" by taylor swift
Last movie you saw?
I don't remember
Are you allergic to anything?
Pepperoni, dark chocolate and cough medicine
Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
my uggs
Are you jealous of anyone?
nope, people are jealous of me!
Is anyone jealous of you?
See Above
Do any of your friends have children?
yes
Do you eat healthy?
No
What do you usually do during the day?
Depends on the day.
Do you hate anyone right now?
Not really a few people i gues
Do you use the word 'hello' daily?
Yeah
How many kids do you want when you're older?
4
How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
23
Have you ever been to Six Flags?
No
How did u get one of your scars?
Climbing trees as a kid
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Glad thats over...
So the stomach flu blessed my house on Sunday evening. Started with Tallan throwing up at 8pm on Sunday, I took him to the ER Sunday evening after he threw up about 8 times in a 3 hour period. Then Cynthia and I both started throwing up Monday morning. That sucked. Neither of us could even hold water down. Finally at about 7pm last night I was able to keep small amounts of Root Beer down, then water and I just ate some pudding so we'll see how that goes.
I was very lucky that Rob came over yesterday to help take care of Cynthia and I and keep an eye on Tallan, cuz I could barely get out of bed. Rob got us sprite, applesauce, and bananas. Not that either of us could hold any of it down, it was still nice that he was taking care of us.
Also in the midst of all this, my phone got shut off cuz Geoff didn't pay the damn bill. So now I have to wait til I get my tax return on the 8th, to pay the bill. ANDDD, It's like $481. Thanks Geoff, Thanks. Still no job, or paycheck from the last job.
I was very lucky that Rob came over yesterday to help take care of Cynthia and I and keep an eye on Tallan, cuz I could barely get out of bed. Rob got us sprite, applesauce, and bananas. Not that either of us could hold any of it down, it was still nice that he was taking care of us.
Also in the midst of all this, my phone got shut off cuz Geoff didn't pay the damn bill. So now I have to wait til I get my tax return on the 8th, to pay the bill. ANDDD, It's like $481. Thanks Geoff, Thanks. Still no job, or paycheck from the last job.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
First time blogging in a very long time...
So blogging is something I did in high school, and for a few months after. But I quickly realized that putting your life out there for everyone to read can come back to bite you in the ass. But as time has came and went I have learned a lot of valuable lessons, how to use my internal filter, and not act or speak without weighing the consequences first.
A friend of mine and I were talking last night, and he mentioned that 8 years ago we started high school. Eight. Years. Ago. My first thought was, "Dear Lord, I'm getting old". My second thought was a picture, that I saw a few days ago, of myself at about 18. Boy did I think I knew it all.
I had no idea what was ahead of me in the years to come.
Nearly five years later, my life has changed so dramatically, that I don't even know that girl I used to be. I feel like who I used to be is a friend of mine, not me, if that makes sense. I lived through a lot of life-altering situations. Including pregnancy and the birth of my son, Tallan, which I thought was impossible. I started college (again), got cheated on by the love of my life and father of my son, was in a verbally, emotionally and physically abusive relationship with my sons father, and was finally strong enough to put my foot down, break it off and kick him out of our apartment. I still face struggles to this day, like trying to take care of my son physically and financially and trying to figure out how I am going to continue paying rent with little to no income at all.
Not many people see that I have grown up. People have this image of who I used to be still burned in their brains. What they don't realize is how much I really have changed. I tried for so long to hold on to every strand of what was left between Paul and I, but what I didn't see is how much easier it was to hold down the house when he was gone. I also didn't realize how unhappy I was when he was here. Always accusing me of sleeping around, lying to him, he never cleaned a damn thing and was always making messes for me to clean up, he rarely helped with Tallan and was more concerned with hanging out with his friends, doing drugs and drinking. Since he's been gone, I've began dating, my apartment stays cleaner longer, I have a new room mate who actually helps around the house and helps me with Tallan and I am just happier in general because I don't avoid going home, my anxiety attacks are less frequent and I'm not constantly fighting with Paul. I look back now and I say to myself that I should have listened when people told me to get away from him, but I think that I needed to go thru some of that to be where I am today, mentally.
A friend of mine and I were talking last night, and he mentioned that 8 years ago we started high school. Eight. Years. Ago. My first thought was, "Dear Lord, I'm getting old". My second thought was a picture, that I saw a few days ago, of myself at about 18. Boy did I think I knew it all.
I had no idea what was ahead of me in the years to come.
Nearly five years later, my life has changed so dramatically, that I don't even know that girl I used to be. I feel like who I used to be is a friend of mine, not me, if that makes sense. I lived through a lot of life-altering situations. Including pregnancy and the birth of my son, Tallan, which I thought was impossible. I started college (again), got cheated on by the love of my life and father of my son, was in a verbally, emotionally and physically abusive relationship with my sons father, and was finally strong enough to put my foot down, break it off and kick him out of our apartment. I still face struggles to this day, like trying to take care of my son physically and financially and trying to figure out how I am going to continue paying rent with little to no income at all.
Not many people see that I have grown up. People have this image of who I used to be still burned in their brains. What they don't realize is how much I really have changed. I tried for so long to hold on to every strand of what was left between Paul and I, but what I didn't see is how much easier it was to hold down the house when he was gone. I also didn't realize how unhappy I was when he was here. Always accusing me of sleeping around, lying to him, he never cleaned a damn thing and was always making messes for me to clean up, he rarely helped with Tallan and was more concerned with hanging out with his friends, doing drugs and drinking. Since he's been gone, I've began dating, my apartment stays cleaner longer, I have a new room mate who actually helps around the house and helps me with Tallan and I am just happier in general because I don't avoid going home, my anxiety attacks are less frequent and I'm not constantly fighting with Paul. I look back now and I say to myself that I should have listened when people told me to get away from him, but I think that I needed to go thru some of that to be where I am today, mentally.
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